I'm starting to get to the point in my life where everyone has figured out what an asshole I am. And now looking back on it I really haven't changed much from what I was like as a kid. It really just boils down to the fact that I'm a selfish person. Clearly jealousy works it's way in there as well. Fuck, I'm writing this stupid blog right now and I know I'm the only one who cares about my opinion. What is it that makes someone a selfish person? Obviously just having an attitude like your the only one who matters on this spinning rock. But what really makes someone a cynical, jealous and selfish person as my self.
Well we can go all the way back to my childhood where I would throw fits over stupid toys that I would latter break. Or wanting to be in baseball much longer then I should have just because I would get a trophy at the end of the year. Side note: I latter threw away all those trophies because I didn't earn them; I was an incredibly terrible right fielder. The thing is I can't really figure out what made me into the fucking asshole that sits in front of the computer (pants off) today.
I've just now realized what makes me drive people away. And it's a problem I've had a hard time fixing. No matter how self aware I try to be. Emotions (as much as I'd love to say don't matter in my personality) always get in in the way.
You see emotions are kinda like a drug. Hell they are drugs. When I get angry I can feel it through out my body. It changes my perspective, it makes my mind work in a different way. The only reason I can make this comparison is because of my experimentation with pot and mushrooms.
The human body really does fuck with you. Sometimes it feels like it's controlling me rather then the other way around.
I shouldn't let something as simple as someone ignoring my call get to me. Especially since I'm just as guilty as everyone else. But emotions are a bitch and I usually end up acting like an asshole (yet again) before thinking things through.
Look I'd love to be the logical person that I try to make myself out to be. But it's just not who I am. And I'm sure some of you might find a little bit of yourself in these few paragraphs. Basically what I'm saying is I wish I could be better. I am trying but it's difficult to change and it's getting harder by the day.
