Monday, November 14, 2011


I'm starting to get to the point in my life where everyone has figured out what an asshole I am. And now looking back on it I really haven't changed much from what I was like as a kid. It really just boils down to the fact that I'm a selfish person. Clearly jealousy works it's way in there as well. Fuck, I'm writing this stupid blog right now and I know I'm the only one who cares about my opinion. What is it that makes someone a selfish person? Obviously just having an attitude like your the only one who matters on this spinning rock. But what really makes someone a cynical, jealous and selfish person as my self.

Well we can go all the way back to my childhood where I would throw fits over stupid toys that I would latter break. Or wanting to be in baseball much longer then I should have just because I would get a trophy at the end of the year. Side note: I latter threw away all those trophies because I didn't earn them; I was an incredibly terrible right fielder. The thing is I can't really figure out what made me into the fucking asshole that sits in front of the computer (pants off) today.

I've just now realized what makes me drive people away. And it's a problem I've had a hard time fixing. No matter how self aware I try to be. Emotions (as much as I'd love to say don't matter in my personality) always get in in the way.

You see emotions are kinda like a drug. Hell they are drugs. When I get angry I can feel it through out my body. It changes my perspective, it makes my mind work in a different way. The only reason I can make this comparison is because of my experimentation with pot and mushrooms.

The human body really does fuck with you. Sometimes it feels like it's controlling me rather then the other way around.

I shouldn't let something as simple as someone ignoring my call get to me. Especially since I'm just as guilty as everyone else. But emotions are a bitch and I usually end up acting like an asshole (yet again) before thinking things through.

Look I'd love to be the logical person that I try to make myself out to be. But it's just not who I am. And I'm sure some of you might find a little bit of yourself in these few paragraphs. Basically what I'm saying is I wish I could be better. I am trying but it's difficult to change and it's getting harder by the day.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


Ten years ago today I was asleep in my little room in Discovery Bay. I woke up because as usual my mom had the morning news on way too loud. Then I heard her say "I can't believe this is happening". At that time the second plane hit. I heard my mom yell in horror. So then I turned on my TV. I'm sure this is an average story.

It's weird to think about now. I was thirteen at the time. I was busy thinking about what I wanted for my birthday. Last year I almost forgot about my birthday.

I remember I couldn't fully understand why anyone would attack us. I was always told that we were the greatest country on earth. I mean we were supposed to be the worlds super power country. We were the ones that went into other countries when they needed help. Why would anyone want to attack us. I just didn't understand.

From that point on my life was filled with discussion. Everyone had their opinion. Even if you didn't ask them. A classmate of mine was middle eastern, she was really good friend of mine. Later when everyone knew who was responsible for the attacks; a big fat kid went up to my friend and said "No offense but I hate your people". To this day I wish I had the balls to go kick that guys ass. But I was a scrawny thirteen year old and that thought never crossed my mind.

A few months later I was getting picked up from school by my buddies dad. All of a sudden an old beat up car bolted down the road followed by two cops. This was quite the sight to see in Knightsen. The car swerved into a dirt field and lead the cops in a circle twice then got back on the road and sped off. We all were amazed that we had just seen a good old Dukes of Hazzard chase. I said "Do you think the car was stolen?". Then my friends dad said "I don't know but I can tell you one thing if Osama Bin Laden was in that car I'd take this van t-bone his ass". Even at that age I was thinking the same thing I think about that statement. What the fuck!?!

So my life really didn't change much. Of course I've had various 9/11 conspiracy arguments (And I'm not going to argue about it now. If you feel like hearing my opinion on that matter just bring it up in conversation). But I'd have found something else argue about. September 11th to me was the day I woke up from childhood and realized there was more to this world then I was taught at school. I felt as if the evils of the world were shown to me that day.

It's hard to say what would be different had those planes were shot out of the sky or something, anything. But there nothing that could be done about tragedy. We morn those who died, we hate those who caused, and we discuss with those who are just as confused as we are.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Alcohol, that's right I’m writing about alcohol before weed. Since I drank beer before I smoked a joint I only see it fit to have my blog do the same. I find it so strange that something can have such a negative effect on my life and yet I love it. Now, I’m no alcoholic. But holly shit have I known some. I think if you live life to a certain point your bound to befriend one. Maybe without even knowing it.

I grew up with alcohol around me. This isn’t that far off from most families in America. In fact I’d say it is the norm.

I really think the fact that I don’t abuse the liquor has a lot to do with my parents. You see they didn’t hide it from me. In fact the first beer I ever drank was with my Dad. One time I was really upset about something (I can’t really remember what it was about) and I ask my mom if I could have a beer and my mom told me no. She said that I can’t drink to relieve any kind of pain. I am just now truly applying that to my life.

One of the saddest things you could see is a big fat guy at a bar drinking his memories away. What is with alcohol being an escape? I see it time and time again. There is something abut alcohol that really sticks with people who are trying to forget. For me I’m spending to much time to remember anything long term. I don’t see the point of forgetting.

But hey I’m not judging. I have no clue what its like to truly be a drunk. And I have no idea what their life was like.

For me it’s one of the most fun drugs you can use. I love to throw down shots of tequila and actually have a good time. Because when everyone else is drunk and you aren’t it fucking sucks. Plus I’m still at that age where it’s still okay to do stupid shit when your drunk. I try not to break shit and I don’t hurt anyone. I just sometimes like to put on a banana suit and start trying to do karate moves. Nothing wrong with that.

And you don’t get addicted right away. It really takes a certain personality to become an alcoholic. Like I said there’s just some people who are drawn to the drink. And is always the most depressed people. But the alcohol doesn’t help, it just makes them more depressed. Not to mention the people around them. It’s such stupid cycle.

It’s really not about health for me. Well, it is for myself. But what it comes down to is if you want to fuck up you body go ahead. But you’ve got to understand that shit thats bad for your body is bad for a reason. No one should want to live that life of being constantly unhappy except for those few hours when your really wasted.

Look I think you get the point of this blog. Go have a fucking awesome night out. But when your always looking for that escape just know thats not a good thing. And listen I know that I’m saying shit people have said before. And I’m not trying to preach. I’m just trying to say that I don’t get it.

If you’ve noticed these blogs are usually indecisive. I’ll explain why when we get to that topic.

Saturday, July 9, 2011


The importance of happiness can’t be stressed enough by nearly everyone on earth. But does that mean “if it feels good do it”? Not at all. A lot of the time what feels good can be bad for you. Drugs, gambling, masturbating, Oreos, they all have a chance at being addicting. So where does true happiness come from? Within?

“True happiness comes from within.” Now what the fuck does that mean? Where did the phrase come from? A quick google search came up with nothing. But let’s think about that word within. It makes it sound like you have to literally squeeze the happiness out of yourself. But maybe that's it. Well, not literally. True happiness must already be inside you. You just have to unlock it somehow.

So what is true happiness? Technically happiness usually comes from the chemical serotonin in you brain. But all you MDMA users already know that. Now that brings up a good point. By using drugs to make you happy are you then achieving true happiness? I would say no. But by definition I guess the answer would be yes.

You see anything that causes instant gratification can make you happy but it wont stay that way. You can jack off all you want. But real soon your cum is going to be all watery and it really wont feel as good as the first time of the day.

So I guess we shouldn’t just be looking for true happiness. We really should be looking for sustaining happiness. How can you feel good about your self more consistently during the day?

Well, there isn’t just one answer to that. But I’m sure you’ve heard them all before. Sunshine, a clean living environment, and heathy food are all great. But you didn’t start reading this mess of words to read some shit you’ve heard your whole life.

What do I think?

Fuck man, if you for some reason thought I might actually have an answer here. I’ll tell you now, I don’t (but you should know that).

You see no one has the answer to sustaining happiness except for yourself. No one knows how you feel. How could they? If you’ve ever been depressed like I have. You know that no one can tell you that they know how you feel. They will never be you and you will never be them.

So you have to ask yourself. You have to find your answer.

You have to really look at your life and ask yourself what really making you unhappy. Then you need to change that to a positive. It’s no easy task. But you can fucking do it. So maybe true happiness does come from within. Just not as you’d expect.

And look maybe all of this shit is me talking out of my ass and none of it makes any sense. At least writing it made me feel happy about myself. And thats all I really care about. That’s the only reason I started this damn thing anyway. It’s not really for you, it’s for me. But thanks for reading anyway.


Can we ever truly achieve justice? At what point is it right to punish the wrong? I’ve been thinking about that a lot this past week. I mean, there's always the obvious question of the death penalty. But even in it’s simplest form criminal punishment always brings up those questions.

So let’s start of by asking how justice really works in our society. If you’ve been caught shoplifting (which I have). They slap you with a fine and community service. Now say you get caught again with in a year. Obviously something is wrong here. If you didn’t learn your lesson the first time who’s to say you wont do it again and again? So we send your ass off to jail. Only hold on wait your now a person with a criminal mind, off to a place with more fucked up and angry criminal minds.

So now your leaving prison as a man/woman who feels like the system has fucked them over. Plus the whole time you were in jail you spent all your time talking to fucked up insane people. Your whole perception of the world must be completely different from when you went in. I don’t really see how this problem got solved.

Now let me just take a moment to clear the air. I understand that in some cases jail time really has turned some people around. It always makes me feel good when I meet a well adjusted person who’s gone through that system. But let’s be honest, a vast majority of the people in prison will be right back there. Sometimes for something even worse.

You can also say that people can fall back into bad patterns when they come back to their life with the same bad people. But I can go on and on about the problems.

What I don’t see is a solution.

Here’s a mostly not serious solution. How about we just take a huge chunk out of Mexico. You know not the coast line. Let them keep their tourism. Then we let all the mexican people into the US of A or to the place of their choice. I’m sure their would be a few old people set in their ways. But who cares fuck them, they’re fucking up my solution. Blow up the cocksuckers for all I care (note if you’re reading this you should know how to tell if someone is serious or not).

So bam, we’ve got a big empty space in Mexico. Now you take all the violent offenders, child molesters, mob bosses, psychopaths, and drug lords and fucking deport their ass. And while your at it take all the sunscreen out of the place. Let them fry.

That’s two problems solved. Nobel prize please.

Then what we’ll have is a relatively easy to control prison system. No one gets let out early and we save a shit load of money on taxes.

I don’t really think their could possibly be a system that rehabilitates at one-hundred percent success rate. But I do know that it will get worse before it gets better.

Friday, July 8, 2011


We do not know how the brain works. It is beyond us. Yet it is us. Or is it? Are we nothing but predetermined amounts of chemicals flowing through our head telling us how to feel? Or does your life experiences shape who you are?

I have no fucking clue.

We go through life with three basic instincts. We all need to sleep eat and fuck. And if you don’t want to do one of those things you should really see a doctor. We need that instinct to survive. But those instincts will only get you so far through life. You need to work. Otherwise you’ll waste your life, having nothing to show for the 90 or so years you lived on earth. You need to be happy. It’s unhealthy not to be. (That’s too big of a topic to go on about I’ll cover it at a later time.) And you should be good to others. Just don’t go through life being an asshole. People will treat you well if you treat them well. You should know that.

Think about this. Almost every animal has a brain. And none of them can rationalize their existence except for us. Our oddly large cerebral cortex is to blame for that. That means a dog will never think about why he/she is on this earth. And thats why they can live in the moment like they do. I am always envious of dogs. Those little fucking assholes just sleeping away their short little lives.

So is that what makes us human? The ability to feel, to rationalize, to be individual.

Again a question I have no answer to.

I can tell you this. In my life (which hasn’t been that long) I have been effected by many of my choices. Many bad and some good. But if I didn’t have any of the bad shit happen I would have never felt like the good was any good at all. That may be the reason a lot of pretty girls are bitches (not all of them ladies, chill out). Think about every time you met a spoiled little rich kid. Every one of them is a complete dick and will probably end up being a very unhappy person when they get older. I know I had some of that when I was a kid. And it made me very materialistic at a young age. I’m sure some of you can look back at your life and see how much of a little asshole you were.

I guess I can conclude with this. You are who you are. You can’t change that. If you change your appearance, hell even your sex. No matter what you do you will have lived your life in one though line. You can’t change what you’ve seen or experienced. Ok so you can get brain damage and forget you whole life. But whatever I’m trying to make a point here. You fuck.

Look we may never know what truly makes us tick. But we do know that we are here on this planet and we are human. And that’s pretty fucking cool.